[enthusiastic] Hey birdies it's me, Alex, and welcome back! so this week I'm going to be hopping back on my series on how to say safe as a trans teen, I’ll be talking about, like, a, uh, a super personal set of experiences that I had when I was around 14 or 15 and just coming out, I’m talking about this because if it happened to me I’m sure that it happened to others, and I’m sure it will happen to others, and if I can stop that for someone then I have a responsibility too, ya know?
[more serious]So I just wanna throw in some trigger warnings right here at the top um I guess trigger warning for grooming behaviors from an adult, possible trigger warnings just for general trauma and body dysphoria, Truscummy attitudes of me when I was WAY younger.
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{10 seconds royalty-free intro music, voice-over of alex saying random things like “Hey birdies its alex” “Welcome to Trans teens school of transgender education” random phrases”}
[peppy but serious] So I think I've talked about it before but I come from a poorer background than a lot of people and that's whatever, it's neither here nor there and it's fine now I've grown up, I've grown past that, and I am the man I am today because of that, you know?
But when I was 1st coming out it was hard, I didn't have the money to pay for the therapy or the hormones or the surgeries that just wasn't possible. That was real hard to deal with and to come to terms with... I know I am not alone in this but I was desperate.. to be honest, I would have done whatever it took to get anything to help me.
[mildly frustrated] I-I did everything I started a gofundme, I got 2 jobs as soon as I could. I did everything right and I watched Transpeople like me, my age [Emphisis on my age], coming out and getting hormones or puberty blockers or surgeries and even people fucking younger than me and that broke my heart because why not me. I tried harder than any of them. I deserved it more, I wasn't a faker, I was trans, I was doing everything I was doing all of the work and putting in all of the effort so I couldn't be me.
Don't get me wrong I know that's kinda fucked up but honestly, that was the peak transcum vs tucute discourse and I was so sure one was right, and that meant I thought I deserved it more.
Anyway, a local organization got a hold of my story. They thought that it was so heroic for a little 14-year-old trans boy to be trying so hard to get anything that he needed to feel… ok. That's It I just wanted to feel ok ya know? And this org really helped local trans people through grants and community support. They did and still do a lot of good. I will be linking them below if you would like to donate to them to help trans people with the legal fees associated with transitioning.
It was the Spring of 2012 the organization was throwing its yearly fundraiser and as their pity project of the year, I was invited. Before we go on I think we need to clear something up, If you haven't heard of Charles Applewhite before here’s a quick I guess description Charles Applewhite is a 75 now year-old businessman and charity runner and well-known philanthropist he is best known for his work in activism for civil rights and his large donations to things such as the Connor project, but what I know him for Is for grooming children and I was one of them.
I wore my 1st binder I remember it was the first because I can’t wear that binder anymore, [breif pause] well couldn't wear that binder anymore, not after everything that happened the next couple years it just[stop abruptly pause] it hurt too much to look at but, anyway I saved up for 2 months just to buy that stupid GC2b binder and when I tell you that I felt like hot shit walking out in this fancy gala in my fucking $10 goodwill suit that was 2 sizes too big for me and didn't match my tie I am not lying to you.
Seeing all of these adults in their nice clothes sipping champagne talking about how [high voice] “oh you donate to this charity well I donate to a charity that supports orphaned orangutans'' or [deep voice]“Hey your funding the new Tesla well I'm actually starting my own company as a competitor yes [clear throat sound] the goal is to make a car that runs on water and diet soda you know so we can all be thin sexy but also save the environment” And seeing them look at me and hearing them say “Hey that's Alex have you heard about him?”
It Felt amazing hearing them say my name and use my pronouns. It felt incredible. As the night went on there were keynote speakers, there was food, music, I'm gonna be honest I was 14 I didn't pay attention to the speakers at all…[laugh] who does anyway? deffo not a 14-year-old obviously.
That is until [bitter emphasis] he walked out on stage, Charles Applewhite, at that point anyone who's anyone knew who Charles Applewhite was you know? And obviously,, since I was the special guest of honor for the organization they made sure to tell me all about him, “ Charles Applewhite will be there if we get lucky he will make a huge donation” and “ Maybe enough for you to get a name change, or a grant for surgery” After his keynote I was ecstatic, he was incredible. he talked about wanting to support our youth, people of color, and most importantly to me the trans community.
I know now he was a white savior complex piece of shit, but, to a 14-year-old he sounded like an angel. I honestly rushed to meet him and take photos after his speech, he was honored of course it was a good photo op for him. Anyway,, he kind of took me under his wing. It looked good to the press. A rich man taking time out of his day to support a poor, miserable trans kid? The newspapers eat that shit up, and of course,, he said stuff like “I will pay off this doctor's visit” or “I will help your mom with rent she deserves a break” and he would, he did it, it's not like he lied, so of course,, he was basically my hero.
But the other stuff... him always standing just a little too close to me.. the weird requests in the not weird like you're thinking kind of way, and like I know you're thinking.
It started with small stuff like “I give you 20 bucks to go pick up my laundry”, or “Hey I give you a $100 to spend when I take you out to Lunch” or whatever you know normal easy stuff, that yeah OK I'm a 14-year-old who doesn't know any better this makes sense for a 70-year-old adult to do. Even if it didn’t really make sense? Ya know?
Plus let's be honest, it's good press. This super-rich man who has the money to spare, helping a little trans kid in need get the funds to help him transition. But instead of just giving him the money, having him work for it so that he has a sense of purpose. This story sounds great, doesn’t it? I get that, and I see that from the outside they probably found it charming and heartwarming. It's sweet.
It was like that for months just normal secretary stuff I guess? I just did things and got paid small amounts of money and you know my mom was happy to have me getting out of the house, I could see that it took some of the pressure off her as a single parent, I know that it’s expensive and hard to raise a kid alone, so I could see how at the beginning no one was " Hey this is fucking weird", from the outside everything probably looked amazing. But it didn't stay that way. It didn’t change overnight or anything it's not one night he said “Hey can you go pick up my laundry from the dry cleaner” and the next night he was like “Hey come hang out in my sex dungeon” you know it wasn't- it wasn’t that extreme it was so much more subtle which somehow makes it worse I guess.
It started small it started with things like “oh, well, take some selfies with me every time you do things” or “send me a picture of you and your friends hanging out” you know little innocuous things like, oh, of course, we’re taking selfies because it looks good on social media, yeah that makes sense then it kept getting bigger, it wasn’t just the tasks getting bigger, he started helping my mom out so she could take more time off of work she wasn't working 80 hours a week anymore she only had to work 40 because if she needed a little extra money for something he could cover rent because he's such a kind man.
He's such a hero. He has such a kind heart. But that's just, That's not the truth.
Charles Applewhite is a predator, he took my vulnerability and exploited it.
The way people groom you is scary. It's slow, it's calm, it's quiet, it takes so much time and it is so sneaky, and it’s so, so fucking easy to fall for when your just a kid. And let's be honest. I was just a kid when he started.
[Deep Breath] By the time I was 15 he started isolating me. “You need to work this weekend”, I started getting taken to big conferences, meetings, “family” vacations. But somehow people canceled last minute every time it would be just us on these vacations, on trips, the meetings would be just me and him in his office and the other people on the phone, but the conferences were different.
At the conference's I got ignored pushed to the side oval being simultaneously shown off to the public like “oh look here's my exotic pet he’s transgender.” I wasn't supposed to talk to anyone during them so that I didn't ruin his reputation, he told me to be quiet and smile so I could learn the business. I didn’t get to just be a teen, I was just... Alone a lot ya know?
All of the trips took time out of my weekends, out of the summer... Honestly... I started not even talking to my friends. I didn't even have time to talk to my mom much. Charles was my lifeline, he was my constant,, and the only thing that was always there for me. He supported me, taught me, and honestly I thought of him as something between a father figure and a literal saint.
Maybe that's why I didn't blink when he suggested to my mom that I spend the night at his house when we go in late from conferences or trips.
Maybe that's why I wasn't worried when he started pushing me to dress certain ways, or when he started touching my shoulders when we were taking photos. Or sitting just a little too close in a car.
The first time I honestly actually felt weird was when he encouraged me to drink at a hotel, he said “it's just champagne, it's fine” and he hadn't lied before...[trail off pause for like 3 seconds have some ambient noise] I don't know what happened that night. I don't want to know anymore. I do know I woke up alone the next morning, I was still so confused, it was like everything had thick fog over it...and everything hurt. That was the [emphasis] first time something like that happened.
I didn't catch on fast enough. I just thought that's what drinking did. You wake up the next morning in pain confused with no memories. I know that's not true now.
One night whatever he was using didn’t work. And I think he knew. Because that night… we don't... We don't need to talk about it, ok? I’m sorry but I’m not ready yet, I don't know if I’ll ever be ready. Just. I left, I was in a strange city and I left.
I walked out, took my stuff,, and found my own way home.
And I’m going to stop there. That’s it that’s what you need to know for now maybe someday I’ll come back to this story but for now, I need more time to grow and heal.[pause with determination] Guys I made this video because I know I’m not the only one. I know there are more people out there with stories just like mine because some have come to me and it's time we are heard.
I know this story was, uh, rough, but this kind of thing happens and it's important that as a community we confront what can happen to those of us who are most vulnerable, and a lot of the time that's kids who just want to feel like themselves. Thanks for sticking through this one with me we will be back again next week.
[rest for a second] Don't forget to like, share and subscribe if you want to see more, Probably happier content, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Patreon under @AlexwithWings98 on all, and comment down below if you have experienced anything similar.
Resources for abuse recovery, talking to trusted adults, and how to spot red flags are linked down in the description and until next time fly high yall! Together we can build a safer and stronger future!
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